The Killing Of Nelson Mandela

Instead of waiting with baited breaths for a sickly old man to pass away, the world has conspired to kill him and consign him to memory, folklore and steely montages that no one watches. Never has the world wanted to kill someone so much since the news that Nelson Mandela is in critical condition came out. I get that he’s old and frail and much likely to die sooner than later but can we at least wait till he’s breathed his last? Major news agencies were quick to report him dead based on seedy social media rumors like they were waiting for him to die. It’s not like he’s a hero or anything.

Spanish is not one of my strong points but it roughly translates to, ‘Mandela is dead. Look at me grieving’.

Poets have already begun waxing lyrical’s about the man who’s not dead, yet. About how he toppled the white man and committed atrocities against them and how he promulgated fallacies about apartheid. I bet there is a digital clock somewhere counting down the days until he dies, the excitement has reached such levels.

Mandela Meme

I don’t know what I can say to condemn this but the rainbows aren’t happy with all the speculation regarding their father’s death. It’s mean. Stop it.

Statue In The Sea

India is a funny country. Our currency is in free fall, droughts have ravaged several parts of our country while other parts have been brutalized by natural disasters and yet the Maharashtra government has proposed a 3.5 billion Rupee statue to be built in the sea to rival the Statue of Liberty in America.

News agencies claim that the decision making process probably would have been something like this.
Politico 1: What to do with all this tax money yaar? It’s not like we can pocket all of this.

Politico 2: I know, let us build a massive statue in the middle of the Arabian sea. It will win us massive brownie points with the general populace.

And so it was decided. But it hasn’t gained the desired effect with the public. People are angry, people are mad. This makes no sense. They don’t want a statue. They want nice roads, clean drinking water and a better economy. They don’t share the same dream as those in our Governments. They want this idea to be scrapped immediately.

Personally, I don’t mind a statue. Some might say this situation is akin to a poor man spending all his income on new furniture when he could have used it to fix his leaky roof, but what do they know. After all this statue is the panacea we’ve all been waiting for. I have reliably informed that this statue is magically gonna come alive at night and rid our city of all evils. It is like Batman, only disguised as a statue and a little bit inanimate. It is going to eradicate poverty, save all the people from floods, end corruption, and reduce inflation. Just ask our politicos. They know best, why else would any sane government invest 3.5 billion on a statue? Are they out of their minds? Of course not. The general public might not be happy but they must understand, this is all a part of a larger plan. Some political circles also claim that this statue is not a statue but God itself. Surely, it makes more sense to invest in God? For all we know this is the cheapest and the surest way to end all our troubles.

To the uninitiated this might seem like surplus, but fret not for we are on our way to recovery. We are soon going from the developing to the developed and it is all thanks to this statue. And while it happens we should all applaud our politicos for their maverick bravado.

I Need To Confess

I have a confession to make. It is on a very volatile subject so I don’t know what the appropriate medium is. Should I just say it out loud or whisper for fear of retribution? The ambiguous nature of this confession might help my cause or it may just burn me down. Whatever I do, I must get it out quick for this knowledge stays not readily within the confines of my mind. It fights. It wants to get out, to be known; the bastard.

I Google to see if there’s any way I can cure myself of this malady and I am not disappointed. Google knows, it always does, even when it says it doesn’t. So my Google search result tells about these confession pages. My heart leaps with joy. Social media forums dedicated just for confessions? What’s not to like? You can get the world off your shoulders in total anonymity, you get an audience and quite a lot of free sympathizers. It is also very much a fashion trend these days. What could possibly go wrong?

I immediately yearn to make my confession but I  don’t. Maybe I should read a few of the confessions first. Just to acclimatize myself with the kind of content on here. So I read.

guys plz tell me can love n marriage is possiblw with neighbour… means neighbour boy n girl.. plz.. tel me .. if yes thn how to go ahead… n if no.. thn wt to do plz gv suggestion. plz

 

But what is this? Must be an anomaly. I should just read another one.

i need some suggestions..i love a girl very much..but she says that she dont want any bf..just bcoz her past ditched her…

 

Where is the confession you eejits? Has the meaning of confession transmuted into meaning some sort of random emotional malarkey? Is this what priests in church have to deal with?

I read a thousand of these so called confessions and not one of them was. Alas! I am still left with a confession to make. I must get it out quick for this knowledge stays not readily within the confines of my mind. It lies not dormant within the confines of my mind.

Free! Free! Free!

Everybody loves free stuff and so I’m going to dedicate this post to all the free things in life.And just to keep you hooked until the end I’m going to give away something at the end(absolutely free of course!) so keep reading.

Have you ever wondered as to how this concept of free stuff came about? How this idea that so blatantly profanes everything human greed stands for came into existence? I’ve come to learn that free stuff is not all it is made out to be. It is evil. Yes, like the ghouls and the demons and those juvenile Bieber fans on Twitter.

A bit perplexing? Let me explain.
I have it on good authority that this dark art was first conceived by hermits and sages of ancient India after conducting highly unethical experiments on the general population. Not so hard to believe after all we Indians are suckers for free stuff. But this problem is no longer isolated to the subcontinent, it now plagues the entire world. We are slaves to the demands of the free stuff, we just don’t realize it yet.
Let me illustrate with a few examples.

My neighbor and I were taking a look at the Engineering expo that had opened up in the vicinity. As we were promenading through the expo my neighbor was targeted by a salesman for his next big paycheck . Here’s the exchange.
Salesman: May I pique your interest with our latest collection of bearings?

Neighbor: You may not.
Salesman: But you do not want to miss out on this item.
Neighbor: I’m no Engineer. I wouldn’t know what to do with it.
Salesman: Don’t let that hinder you. It comes with a free table lamp whose cost price is exponentially insignificant when compared to what you’ll have to pay for the bearings.

Neighbor: Sounds reasonable. I’ll take two.

Here’s another one

This scene involves my friend Ruth in a shopping mall.
Salesgirl: Ma’am, may I guide your attention towards this new deodorant I’m selling?
*Sprays some onto one of those tiny paper strips that you’re supposed to stuff up your nose*
Ruth: It doesn’t smell very nice.
Salesgirl: But it’s a buy one get one free offer ma’am.
Ruth: Alright! I’ll take one.

I can assure you Ruth is not very fond of the nickname ‘Smelly Ruth’ that ensued after.

As you can see from the above examples, both the protagonists ended up paying and paying heavily for their pursuit of free stuff.

Moral of the story: Nothing is free. Not frustration, not indignation, not even hair loss. Everything comes at a price.

You have been charged 0.00$ for reading this article. As promised in the beginning, you have now successfully received your free give away.
Thank you for participating. Until next time.

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Harry Potter And The Order of The Municipality

Harry’s scar hadn’t hurt for a while but he was sure it would explode as soon as the gawky head of the Local Municipal had come to a verdict. Harry stood fidgeting with his earphones as the Municipality he was standing before decided his fate. He couldn’t figure which was more scary, the prospect of him being punished by the Municipality or him failing to untangle his earphones.

The Municipality officials whispered, screamed, played a little with their wands and made loud howling noises as they tried to come to a decision.Finally, after what seemed like three minutes and forty two seconds the Municipality came to a conclusion. The Municipal commissioner loudly announced, “The Municipality has unanimously come to the verdict that, the accused Harry Potter and his friends are guilty. You are hereby sentenced to cleaning Colony 312 for the next week and will be held in contempt if you don’t comply.”

Harry’s world was ripped apart as the sentence was announced, he couldn’t believe what he had heard. This meant he had to don an orange vest and clean his own neighborhood for one whole week, and to think he had laughed at Charlie Sheen because he had looked funny in it.

Orange Vest
Goodbye Social life, he thought to himself.
Dumbledore beamed as he stood next to Harry. He looked content with the sentence.

“Are you clear? Have you understood all of your duties?” Harry heard one of the Municipality guys say as he came back to himself.
“Why am I being treated like this? One would think I’m a prisoner of war for the kind of sentence you’re giving me!!” mumbled Harry, his voice deep with strife.

“You have been a constant nuisance in this district. You know bursting firecrackers out of Hogwarts is a sin. Add to that your dumb friend Ron also managed to slip a fire cracker into the house of a war hero. Prisoner of war you say?”  the Municipal commissioner said and chuckled at the irony.

“I have done good things for this district too. Like the time I got featured in the newspaper. I gave a full length interview about how this place helped me attain the feat.”

“You were in the news for driving your car into a ditch. You blamed the neighborhood people for not teaching you how to drive.”

“What about the time I won accolades at the Science fair? I named it after our neighborhood and even won a prize for it.”

“You built a miniature junkyard and named it after our neighborhood. It wasn’t the kind of attention we were looking for.”

Junkyard

“Oh! I get what you’re doing. This is a conspiracy, I HAVE BEEN FRAMED. I will not be a slave to your whims, Voldermort is behind this, isn’t he? You all are involved, I just know it.”

Dumbledore immediately grabbed Harry in an attempt to prevent him from advancing towards the Municipality officials. Harry frantically kicked and punched but could not break free from Dumbledore’s stranglehold and eventually calmed down as he accepted his grim fate. He didn’t like it, but he had no other choice.

* Inspired from true life incidents. Do not try at home.

Cast

Sami as Harry Potter
Fat neighborhood kid as Ron
Girly dude as Hermoine
Nosy neighbor as Dumbledore
Colony officials as the Municipality

The End

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