Newspapers are evil and why you are smart not to read them.

Greetings readers!
That what you have been waiting for is finally here. A brand new post on TheEmbarrassment to tickle your……. No, no tickling. TheEmbarrassment doesn’t fancy tickling all that much. Maybe caressing in a strictly non sexual manner.

Anyways, while I sit here waiting for inspiration to hit me on the head, I’m going to write a polemic. Because everyone likes a polemic and I just happen to be a populist fiend.

So let us begin with my last post which was about Kim Jong Un, by the way(And I know you didn’t read it). As soon as it went online I was inundated with a flood of messages. Mostly spam and the rest I ignored. However, some messages did manage to stick out and stab me in the eye leading to a very saddening revelation about my general readership(which on most days is just me, my dog and the FBI because they think I’m selling smallpox on here). This revelation was so sad I actually took a good half hour from my daily routine to cry about it.

index

What is this revelation, you ask?
I’ve finally learnt that most of you are inhabitants of third world countries with little to no access to newspapers or television. You probably get internet but is blanketed by a heavy censorship that is imposed upon you by your oppressive and tyrannical leader. Otherwise I see no reason for people to NOT know Kim Jong.(I had a hundred or so messages asking about Kim Jong. One even asked if it was a sequel to smash hit video game, Donkey Kong)

Dear readers and random people who accidentally stumbled on to this page.
When a man threatens to destroy the world as we know it, you’re expected to know him not his less funnier lookalike who canter’s around pretending to be a horse.

This problem of not knowing and living as complete ignoramus’ is not a very uncommon one. So it’s not just my readers, it is everybody. 1.5 in every 3 people don’t know what’s going on around them, counted someone(The authenticity of that fact is questionable). We all live in an oblivious haze pretending that everything is alright.

Bombs in America? Earthquake in Iran? Nah! I just care about my follower count on Twitter #YOLO

is the new mantra for life. OR.

I wish Anne Frank was a #Beleiber.

Whichever floats your boat

In other news it is 4/20 today(at the time of writing) or in other words, I’m going to pretend to be an adult by uploading a status on Facebook about all the dope I smoke.

My advice to all the pretentious wannabee’s out there creating all the 420 pages and events, go do your homework. I know you’re all 12 years old because all the grown up are busy with work or actually at these events that you so profusely talk about.

Well, that’s a wrap for the week. Hope you all had fun.
Till next time.

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Bombs, Bombs and more Bombs

Internet has gone into overdrive after a short stout man from Korea(who doesn’t do Gangnam style, by the way) decided to take things into his own hands after his Facebook page failed to garner enough likes. Like all spoilt brats he finally realized that stamping his feet wasn’t enough to grab mommy’s attention and so he has threatened the world with a nuclear war.

He has succeeded in doing what he set out to do. He is now officially the most popular joke on the planet.

Meanwhile, little boys and girls all over the world have resorted to Call Of Duty marathons to prepare for the approaching World War 3. Sadly, the only person monitoring their combat progress is Joseph Kony and we all know how that ends.With a wank in the park for the guy who’s out to get him.

The Embarrassment wouldn’t like any of its readers to be vanquished by the threat of nuclear bombs. So here’s a tip on how to save yourselves:You can’t! Give up now, we’re all going to die. But posterity demands that we die in a dignified way so future generations can learn from our tragedies rather than laugh at them. So make sure you don’t die with your pants around your ankles.

That’s about it for this week.Hope we’re not dying till after the next post. But if we are, fulfill a dying man’s wish will ya? Subscribe! I always dreamed of going out with a million subscribers.

The Morality Conundrum

I was recently slapped with the terms “immoral”, “egotistical”, “undeserving to be human” and an “unbalanced feminist”. On most days I would have accepted those accusations except maybe the last one as I’m still not certain about what it means. Last I checked UrbanDictionary still didn’t have an explanation.

All this took place because I had the audacity to point out to some pop punk on Facebook that he was being a chauvinistic pig and that his comments were nothing short of misogynistic. I know what you’re thinking now. We all are thinking the same thing. Let’s just say it out loud. Standing up for something is overrated.

Now it wasn’t the abuse that irked me so much as this one particular comment which I’m guessing was by another of the punk’s obnoxious friends.

You are sick and immoral. You don’t deserve to live. You don’t know anything about real life.

Let us take a moment to analyze that.Am I sick? Maybe.
Do I deserve to live? It is up for debate.
Do I know anything about life? Perhaps not.
But am I immoral for pointing out that your friend is a silly twat for making callous and obscene statements about women? I think not.

What is this morality anyway?

According to ,my old trusted dictionary it is,
Principles concerning right and wrong behavior/ A system of principles decided by a group.

How can we decide what is right or wrong? Different culture, different societies have a different outlook on things. For example, we have sex. Sex is considered a viable topic of discussion in most parts of the world but in some parts like in India it is frowned upon.

Empirically speaking, we Indians love sex(Our population doesn’t lie) and yet we consider talking about it to be amoral. So being the Indian that I am, do I consider all foreign people to be immoral? Or are we Indians the immoral ones because we don’t fit onto the societal norms of the rest of the world?
So basically, the concept of right and wrong differs from place to place and people to people. There is NO definitive right or wrong.

Let us now come to the second part of the definition. It explicitly states that these principals are decided by a group of people. Who are these people? And what gives them the right to decide for all people? Is it a particular group or can any group just make these rules? If so do we have to draft it on paper?
Imagine a scenario where the group that makes these rules is a bunch of psychopaths. What then?

The only wrong you can do is to impose yourself on others. As long as you’re not impeding the harmony of others lives you are on the right path. At least that’s what I think.

Conclusion: The idea of morality is flawed. Create a new one.

What do you think about morality? Add to the argument in the comments section below.

Glory For Writers

I went to a rock concert this week. And for the most part, I cried. Loudly. To dim out the band on stage. To my surprise, most of the crowd soon joined in to share my sorrow. Apparently, loud howling sounds and grown men prancing about in weird clothes wasn’t anybody’s idea of fun.

Though I must admit there were some moments when I wished I was on the stage. Not because I possess any great talent although I could do a great act of a man having seizures due to stage fright, except I’d actually be having the seizures and no one would care.

Try imagining yourself on a stage doing what you like in front of thousands of fans cheering and supporting you as you perform. Screaming your name, swooning at your every move. How does it feel?

I for one will never know. I mean, who wants to see a writer type away on stage. Of all the people I can think of maybe only my mother……. or maybe not.
Hi mum! I just scored a gig. It’s a writing concert at the O2. You’re gonna be there aren’t you?
Gosh! I would love to, but I’m ……. uh… busy!
Busy? I haven’t even told you the date!
Oh, you know how it is. Besides, I have a lot of nothing to catch up on. But you go ahead. Have fun.

As writers we are always behind the curtains. Any success we get is seldom in the immediate aftermath of our best work. You either wait for a movie adaption to get you recognized or wait for the generation to pass so the next one can appreciate what you have done. Take Vladimir Nabokov for example. The book he was chastised and incessantly castigated for after its release is now considered amongst the greatest achievements of literature.

This can be a bit frustrating as a budding writer especially when you compare our situation with all the Youtube and Myspace sensations. Instant fame, unheard of riches, millions of fans and a Superbowl slot all in the space of a few months. For those that don’t know, Superbowl is American for getting paid to do nothing.

Now this may all seem a bit defeatist to you but I guess that’s what this world of instant likes and retweets does to you. Unfortunately, I’m a part of the instant glory brigade too. If it doesn’t happen now it might never happen. Fear. It eats away at me. Am I good enough? Will I be appreciated for my work? Will it be during my time?

For now, I know not the answers to those questions. But I try to keep myself motivated. Afterall, when history is written it’ll be written with our words not some two minute pistachio advertisement on Superbowl.

Free! Free! Free!

Everybody loves free stuff and so I’m going to dedicate this post to all the free things in life.And just to keep you hooked until the end I’m going to give away something at the end(absolutely free of course!) so keep reading.

Have you ever wondered as to how this concept of free stuff came about? How this idea that so blatantly profanes everything human greed stands for came into existence? I’ve come to learn that free stuff is not all it is made out to be. It is evil. Yes, like the ghouls and the demons and those juvenile Bieber fans on Twitter.

A bit perplexing? Let me explain.
I have it on good authority that this dark art was first conceived by hermits and sages of ancient India after conducting highly unethical experiments on the general population. Not so hard to believe after all we Indians are suckers for free stuff. But this problem is no longer isolated to the subcontinent, it now plagues the entire world. We are slaves to the demands of the free stuff, we just don’t realize it yet.
Let me illustrate with a few examples.

My neighbor and I were taking a look at the Engineering expo that had opened up in the vicinity. As we were promenading through the expo my neighbor was targeted by a salesman for his next big paycheck . Here’s the exchange.
Salesman: May I pique your interest with our latest collection of bearings?

Neighbor: You may not.
Salesman: But you do not want to miss out on this item.
Neighbor: I’m no Engineer. I wouldn’t know what to do with it.
Salesman: Don’t let that hinder you. It comes with a free table lamp whose cost price is exponentially insignificant when compared to what you’ll have to pay for the bearings.

Neighbor: Sounds reasonable. I’ll take two.

Here’s another one

This scene involves my friend Ruth in a shopping mall.
Salesgirl: Ma’am, may I guide your attention towards this new deodorant I’m selling?
*Sprays some onto one of those tiny paper strips that you’re supposed to stuff up your nose*
Ruth: It doesn’t smell very nice.
Salesgirl: But it’s a buy one get one free offer ma’am.
Ruth: Alright! I’ll take one.

I can assure you Ruth is not very fond of the nickname ‘Smelly Ruth’ that ensued after.

As you can see from the above examples, both the protagonists ended up paying and paying heavily for their pursuit of free stuff.

Moral of the story: Nothing is free. Not frustration, not indignation, not even hair loss. Everything comes at a price.

You have been charged 0.00$ for reading this article. As promised in the beginning, you have now successfully received your free give away.
Thank you for participating. Until next time.

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The Embarrassment Rises

Guess who’s back?

No, don’t guess yet. I’d like to maintain the element of surprise till the end.

While you’re guessing I’d like to tell you all a story.

Part 1
Once upon a time there lived a boy. The boy had a blog. He was happy writing the blog. One day he fell in a ditch. The blog went without an update for long. People were sad. People mourned. The Embarrassment was believed dead. Touching eulogies were delivered at the funeral.

Part 2
One day out of nowhere an update was made. The boy had climbed out of the ditch. And…… wait for it…… The Embarrassment was back!

Yes, the Embarrassment is back. And here’s a quick preview of what you can expect this time around:

  • More political jokes
    Who doesn’t like a political joke? Imagine this scene at a stand up show,
    Comedian: Politicians are stupid.
    Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
    Plus, with it comes a chance for courting controversy, and who doesn’t like that?
  • More coverage of modern teen problems
    I don’t really care for them just hoping for a Twilight like explosion on the pop scene.
  • Celebrity interviews
    Lady Haha and J.K Howling have already accepted invitations to be on here. More on that later.

So I’ll leave you all with that for now.

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You can now follow The Embarrassment on Twatter and Facebook.

The Embarrassment turns 1! Balloons and Candles For Everyone

Yes, despite spending most of the year being brain dead The Embarrassment has crossed the line and successfully made it to its first ever anniversary.

As obnoxiously as the blog had begun, so shall it continue with a load of cheesy birthday quotes to mark this auspicious occasion, sent by our non existent Bieber-esque fan base of course.

Time and tide wait for no man, but it will always wait for the Embarrassment just like my heart does. I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!
Hormonal Teenager

Happy Birthday, The Embarrassment. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am cool because of you.
15 and forever alone

I love your philosophy about life and just like your age may it grow. Happy Birthday.
Confused and in prison

Congratulations on your first anniversary. Your website has been very helpful and I’d like to know more about your research and your approach to the subject. Moreover, I’d like to point out to you this viagra I’m selling which once taken….
http://www.viagraidontneed.com

I did NOT take that last one from my spam filter.

Lastly, to my existent readers. I’d like thank you all for bearing with me over the past one year. And if I may have offended any of you by chance, GROW THE FECK UP!

I’ve learnt a few things over the past one year and I’d like to impart some Birthday wisdom before I leave:

When life give you lemons, don’t play ping pong with it.

Till next time.