Why I am not Charlie

a paper bird

imagesThere is no “but” about what happened at Charlie Hebdo yesterday. Some people published some cartoons, and some other people killed them for it.  Words and pictures can be beautiful or vile, pleasing or enraging, inspiring or offensive; but they exist on a different plane from physical violence, whether you want to call that plane spirit or imagination or culture, and to meet them with violence is an offense against the spirit and imagination and culture that distinguish humans. Nothing mitigates this monstrosity. There will be time to analyze why the killers did it, time to parse their backgrounds, their ideologies, their beliefs, time for sociologists and psychologists to add to understanding. There will be explanations, and the explanations will be important, but explanations aren’t the same as excuses. Words don’t kill, they must not be met by killing, and they will not make the killers’ culpability go away.

To abhor what was done to the victims, though, is not…

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The Embarrassment Rises

Guess who’s back?

No, don’t guess yet. I’d like to maintain the element of surprise till the end.

While you’re guessing I’d like to tell you all a story.

Part 1
Once upon a time there lived a boy. The boy had a blog. He was happy writing the blog. One day he fell in a ditch. The blog went without an update for long. People were sad. People mourned. The Embarrassment was believed dead. Touching eulogies were delivered at the funeral.

Part 2
One day out of nowhere an update was made. The boy had climbed out of the ditch. And…… wait for it…… The Embarrassment was back!

Yes, the Embarrassment is back. And here’s a quick preview of what you can expect this time around:

  • More political jokes
    Who doesn’t like a political joke? Imagine this scene at a stand up show,
    Comedian: Politicians are stupid.
    Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
    Plus, with it comes a chance for courting controversy, and who doesn’t like that?
  • More coverage of modern teen problems
    I don’t really care for them just hoping for a Twilight like explosion on the pop scene.
  • Celebrity interviews
    Lady Haha and J.K Howling have already accepted invitations to be on here. More on that later.

So I’ll leave you all with that for now.

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The Anarchy of Question Paper Leaks

Originally I had intended to be back amidst a lot of fanfare and fireworks and yet I sit in front of my laptop with slouched shoulders and the weight of the world pressing on them. I am a man of my word, March end I said and here I am.

I was supposed to be rid of my troubles, having put to rest all my exams but thanks to the Karnataka Board’s frugal efforts at protecting the paper I now have to have a go at it again. Rescheduled timetable and renewed schedules of tension. When all this accumulates in your head you tend to age a bit faster and I think I’ve been going faster than the accepted rate.

One of the most obvious signs that you notice when you’re ageing too fast is when you turn on the news the first thing in the morning to give you a jolt for the day ahead. It has been quite a few jolts that I have received in the past month. On one occasion I almost had a heart attack after being told that even the English paper had been leaked.

Usually there is always an upside to things that happen, a silver lining or just plain luck if you must. But none in this case. The constant rescheduling has taken the sheen of what is supposed to be the most important exam of our lives.

To make matters worse, the papers that were leaked actually were quite easy. On a scale of 1 -10, those papers would hardly make a proper 1.5, easy paper gone, blog comeback ruined. Life gone to the dogs.

Rant Over.

 

PS: The Embarrassment will be back on its normal schedule from Monday onwards, regardless of further paper leaks.

PPS: Screw the Karnataka PU Board

 

Helping You Find Happiness

Happy

A lot of people come up to me and say.

Yo Sami, you are so bland happy.

And I say,

So?

And they say,

How can you be so happy all the time? Surely some drugs are involved.

“DRUGS? I didn’t know drugs worked that way. My happiness is all down to the clandestine life I live.” I say in the most charming manner as possible.

And then I encounter the usual out pour of questions seeking help on how to deal with the the ups and downs of life without hurting the balance of the smile on their faces.

An inquiry of this kind is enough to set off the most absurd absorbing, preposterous inspiring and long speech by me which usually ends with me bowing out to an audience of dead space and the echo of my own voice. I wonder why that happens.

But then again I believe I have been very evasive with my long speeches and the like when asked the reason for my happiness. I have been very selfish with this secret and I believe it is now time for me to share it with everyone, what with all the miss happenings in this world of ours today.

So before you embark on this crazy journey to happiness there are a few things you must know:
Scientifically, Happiness can be represented by a formula.
Happiness = Pleasure + Engagement + Relationships + Meaning + Accomplishments.
If you fully rely on this formula to attain happiness, you’ll never get it.

Contrary to popular belief, happiness has nothing to do with limited brain capacity and hence you should immediately stop your dim witted antics(if any).

A couple of things you’ll need to achieve this state of happiness:
A vivid imagination. You should be able to follow through a hypothetical situation as if it is real. I suggest you replay some of those American Idol trials you have been doing in your head(Don’t tell me you haven’t done it) just to see if you’ve still got it.
A good memory.

If you have the above or have managed to buy it somehow, you are ready to go.

Step 1
This is a very simple step albeit very important. I want you to sit in some place relaxing. Once you’re there I want you to focus on pleasant things like blood, a severed head or some horror flick.

Now that you’ve warmed up your cranial nerves we’re going to create a hypothetical situation.

Imagine a big office, plenty of space. Plush furniture and smell like lavender. The door to the office has your name in big bold letters. Yes your name although it is misspelled. You are the manager of a major company.
A large desk sits in the middle of the room and a twirly chair behind it twirls around to reveal a slightly over weight you(Over weight due to the obviously high salary). Your phone rings and your secretary tells you that a job applicant is on the way. It is his interview today.
The applicant enters your office and after exchanging greetings you get down to business. The Interview is pretty routine, you ask questions and he answers them. No fireworks just plain ol’ interview.
A few seconds later you are gently awaken by the candidate.

Oh-oh! You just slept through his ‘What makes you different?’ answer. The candidate looks less than amused. Not the best scenario to be in.  You are still slightly dazed from your mid interview power nap when the phone rings. You answer the phone, still half asleep but with the wrong company name. You quickly realize your mistake but its too late to do anything now. You quietly wish that the person on the other end hasn’t caught this mistake.
There’s a brief silence over the phone. When the caller finally speaks it sends a chill through your bone. It is your boss.

Step 2
If you’ve made it this far, your just a hair’s breadth away from saying goodbye to the sad old you.
This step is very easy, all you have to do is memorize the above scene. Memorize this as if it really happened in your life. It should go in your memory as any other incident of your life.

Step 3
Let nature take its course. If your memory serves you well, one day in the near future you will remember this embarrassing incident. And as all embarrassing incidents it will bring a smile to your face.

Embarrassing situations are not pleasant to live through but are decent memories to hold onto. And as any decent Doctor would say, An embarrassment a day keeps depression away.

If you rack up enough memories of situations like the above, you will soon have enough memories to keep you happy for a lifetime.

Like the people in this video, I am sure they don’t regret it now as much as they did before.

Some of you may not be convinced of this method, but for all its worth it ruins your life works.
As for the scientifically astute, this satisfies your silly equation as well. You get Pleasure while your engaged in your memory. It helps improve your relationship with the people involved, gives a meaning to your sad existence and serves you with the accomplishment of being happy.

Ah! Happy days.

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Winner!

Not many feelings can match the feeling that you get when you’ve won something(preferably the lottery) or are given something(for free obviously) and so today I have been bestowed just that. No, I didn’t win a lottery. I won a Blogging Award! Don’t understand? Let me dramatize it for you a little bit.

Earlier tonight at the Academy Awards for Blogging
Announcer: The next category is The Versatile Blogger Award. And may I call upon Harry aka The Dribbling Pensioner to announce the winner.
Harry: And the winner is…… Sami for The Embarrassment!

 

The crowd gets ecstatic. Congratulatory hugs, handshakes and kisses are exchanged all around.

My Acceptance Speech,
tears welling up, I would like to take this opportunity to thank Mother who has never read my blog and thinks A Blog is some kind on an online cult and to Father who despite his unwillingness to fathom a visit to my crazy ramblings does show up to read the comments on my posts. Also a big thank you to Harry for considering me worthy of this. And last but not the least my readers, who show up to read my thoughts and beliefs on a daily/weekly basis. I also mean it for you friends who read but never subscribe because you think it is too embarrassing.

Ah! now as a rule I am supposed to say 7 random things about myself so that people can keep bestowing such honors upon me in the future.

  • I once dissed myself in a local rap battle so I could win.
  • I would do absolutely anything to watch The Arsenal live at the Emirates.
  • I have never lost in a debate.
  • I don’t mind getting abused as long as it is witty and creative.
  • My secret fantasy is becoming a good chef.
  • I think Batman is better than Superman because Bruce Wayne is rich, Clarke Kent isn’t.
  • I was a fat kid.

That is my 7. Now I am also expected to honor other fellow bloggers with this award. So for the 15 I think who are worthy of it,
Finding42
Evolution Of Insanity
Idiot Photographer
MJCache
Your Pal Jason
Maxim’s Madness
Healing Mutti
Dark Jade
I Want Ice Water
Insanity Aquarium
Laaventura
Unga Bunga Girl
Kymlee: Life Story
Willingness To Grow

I don’t care if you’ve gotten it before, if you don’t want it just upload shitty posts.

Okay, now if you want to accept yours, all you have to do is:

1.Post a link to the person who gave you the award thanking them for the award.
2.Tell your readers seven random things about yourself.
3.Award up to 15 newly discovered blogs.
4.Send them a note letting them know you nominated them.

Better never than late

Puntuality

I’m in one of my moods again, the one which makes me pace around as if I’m on death row and pop my snake eyes and curse with my mouth closed and set my hair on fire(okay, maybe not the last one). If you haven’t guessed yet, I’m annoyed which has now become something of a regular occurrence given that I still don’t have a billion bucks or discovered pokemons yet. ‘Chance is a word void of sense; nothing can exist without a cause.’ And so there is a reason for this plethora of emotions you now see on your screen. I was supposed to meet a friend at a restaurant at 2:00 PM. Lets just say we had some important issues to discuss, things that needed to be urgently taken care of. So I promptly show up at the venue a little earlier than decided. The restaurant was beautiful, the air around it had a certain ambiance that just made you want to spend a little more time there. As I scooped the place with my untrained eye a quick glance at the clock told me it was 2:20. It was 2:20!!! Hell here I was waiting like a good Samaritan to help my friend and the ungrateful imp pays me back by being late? Why can’t people ever be on time? The worst part of it all was the excuse he offered for being late. “Sorry I’m late, ran out of hair gel, couldn’t show up without my hair done could I?” Okay first of all, you’re not forgiven for being late. If I was God I would consider it reason enough to send you to hell. And secondly I don’t care how you look or whether you’re dressed or not as long as you show up on time. Nothing can ever be a good reason for being late unless you are being hunted down by Superman. Rich and famous people now consider it eccentric to show up late at events and meetings, It has become commonplace to show up late. Punctuality has become a myth, a legend which is no longer passed down and yet I refuse to let go of my punctual habits. Maybe sometime in the future I’ll be viewed as a rare specimen for my punctuality maybe even start a revolution for the cause. Will you be a part of it?
Yours punctually

The New?!

The sky was overcast, the ground trembled, a poor man won a lottery and a rich one went bankrupt as I sat typing this.
Greetings to you all.
It is a weird world we all live in isn’t it? It wasn’t long ago that I said to myself that I wouldn’t ever have my own blog and now here I am thinking out aloud whilst picturing dramatic events to make it even more interesting(though the sky here IS overcast and we have been experiencing a bit of minor quakes). And to think I wouldn’t have said this not long ago but having a blog is very exciting, It is like baking your own cake and smacking it right into someone’s face and not having to worry about them being vengeful or something along those lines. The joy of it wasn’t without its fair share of hitches though, I encountered my first road bump when I had to think of a name for my blog and believe me when I say this, conjuring up a random name is among the toughest thing you could ever do, the life threatening things you encounter while doing it is incredible(I almost shamed myself into death while thinking of good names) and then finally I came across The Embarrassment. At first I was a bit skeptical but then I figured it played into my ploy of “smacking someone’s face with it” scheme or maybe I’ll just embarrass myself with this but then again as they say, “enter if you dare or run away like a scared girl and piss your pants.” or was it? And then there were other problems but why am I bothering you with them. I now want to leave you all with a quote to think of that can chew on your mind till tomorrow but all I can think of is, “Cakes are tasty when they are not on your face.”…No?


Till later,
Yours Incapably Obnoxious