Recently I came across an ad on the internet which was offering writers a permanent creative writing column in one of the best newspapers in India. Tempted as I was to say no, I applied although I didn’t meet the criteria required for selection. There’s always the off chance that omniscient buffoons like myself could get selected. The job requirements clear stated the following:
- A minimum of 5 years experience as a professional writer.
- Knowledge of media production, communication, and dissemination techniques and methods.
- Working knowledge of computers and electronics.
Ignoring the part about job requirements, I sent in an application. Needless to say, I didn’t get selected. This is what they had to say,
Dear Mr Sami
Thank you for applying for the position of Creative Writer with us.
While we were impressed with your background and experience, we have concluded that another candidate’s qualifications more closely match our requirements. We sincerely regret that we cannot offer you employment with our organization at this time.
You have our best wishes for success in locating the career opportunity you deserve. We will retain your resume in our files to review for future openings for up to six months. In the event of an appropriate available position, we will not hesitate to contact you.
We appreciate your interest and the time you have invested for our paper.
After reading the letter over and over again I came to the conclusion that it was complete bollix. I don’t have much experience to speak of so I am a bit perplexed as to how he was impressed by it. Actually, I was more annoyed. Not only did they have the nerve to not give me the job they also rejected me with an automated message. I bet they burnt my application and had a good laugh while doing so. But I’m not the one to back down so easily, I sent in another letter.
Dear Mr. Editor
Thank you for your letter. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a post as a creative writer.
I’m sure some misfortune has prevented you from getting access to my application, else I see no reason you’d want to turn away such a gifted writer. If you did in fact read my application and rejected me, I must point out that I have 800 Facebook friends, 700 of them don’t read a newspaper. You hire me, you sell 700 extra copies. That is a lot of money. I’m sure you’ll want to reconsider who you hire after this letter.
Well after that I thought I’d heard the last from the editor but he was gracious enough to reply.
Dear Mr. Sami
It is against Company policies to respond to mail such as yours but since you made no death threats I’m going to make an exception.
We did receive your application, unfortunately it did not make through the preliminary rounds of selection. I think it was because you wanted to call your column Talk to the hand. Given our reputation some of the editors on board felt it would be inappropriate. Though, I wish you success, if ‘Talk to the hand’ ever see’s the light of day I’d be interested to read it.
As for the issue about your Facebook friends, I can assure you we did a full profile check of the gentleman that we did hire. He has 2500 friends and he swears all of them will buy a copy if he were to be published. Tough luck kid.
I must say his rejection of my rejection of his rejection letter seems a bit rude. But that’s life I guess.
*Name of the newspaper withheld to prevent them from suing my already broke ass.