So off I go to prepare for my finals. I should be back by the end of March, in case I am not you are free to mourn my death.

So long friends’
Life beckons.

Apt for the businessman in all of us. The looks says it all, “I will not take crap from you.” It also exudes a feel of unfamiliarity which can prevent others from taking you too lightly.

As good as the description made it look, I decided against it. Besides I’m never gonna make it as a shrewd moneymaking machine anyway.

The "I'm so sober" look

This look is for people who are constantly embroiled in situations because they look too drunk(or in most cases actually drunk). Just one hour under the surgeon’s knife and you can forget all your troubles forever. This look can apparently also improve your eye sight, though I’m not sure how.

Recap all your favorite moments from you favorite show with this look which gives  you a vast array of emotions to chose from when your dance club is going to the dogs.

The "I could use a dollar now" look

This is one of those looks you must get if you plan on making any money on your night out on a new year’s eve. Not so photogenic though so it might not be the best option if you are Facebook warrior.

The Look

If you are going through this catalog right now, you probably don’t have enough money to afford a better look than this. So don’t think, just go for it.

***

The catalog made for an interesting reading, but I figured I looked pretty as it is. So what if it is a new year, perhaps I could ring it in with a new attitude rather than a new look.

Happy New Year folks!

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*********************

Later in the morning, my sweet old neighbor(the one from the firetruck incident) was at my door step, looking gleeful as ever.

” I saw cops stop over at your place last night. Is everything alright?” she asked with mock concern.

“Bitch, I know you called them. No need to act all candylicious now.” is what I really wanted to say but..

“Yeah, they came over because someone from the neighborhood had trouble sleeping with all the loud music I was playing.” was all I managed.

“That sounds horrible.” she said, still not being able to fake a concerning look. “Did they like fine you or something? You should be happy you didn’t get arrested. I have heard much worse happen to people blasting of their speakers in the dead of the night.”

“Fine? Nah! They just told me to turn off the music, maybe get an early night. They were very understanding and nice.” I said, exaggerating on the ‘nice’ part.

“WHAT??! NO FINE?!”

This incident had me all merry so I planned on a party. Called up a few of my friends and party we did.

What happened afterwards is something I’m still regretting and if you’re reading this my advice to you is, NEVER party with people who aren’t designed to act sane for more than 24 hours. As night wore on, people got bored and this gave way to a food fight which has now left a mark on the walls of my house, probably forever. Mother is so not going to be pleased.

So the next few days, passed with me trying to clean my walls and the carpets with no success so far. Somehow the stains seem to get darker when I mop them. Then I also adopted a stray dog but somehow it managed to break itself free from its shackles and escaped. Or maybe I just forgot to tie it to its leash, whatever it was I am deeply grieved that it betrayed me after all the Cheetos I shared with it.

I also happened to accidentally kicked a football into my Neighbor 2′s drainage. His drainage’s been blocked for a few days now and his place stinks to high heaven and he still has no clue who did it. I feel sad for him, but feeling sad is better than owning up and cleaning his gutter.

Okay I guess that’s about it for this week. Gotta clean more walls.

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]]> http://theembarrassment.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/home-alone-the-mayhem-continues/feed/ 32 sami116 FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU Crazy Ass Party http://theembarrassment.wordpress.com/2011/12/05/home-alone-the-mayhem-begins/ http://theembarrassment.wordpress.com/2011/12/05/home-alone-the-mayhem-begins/#comments Mon, 05 Dec 2011 01:30:50 +0000 sami116 http://theembarrassment.wordpress.com/?p=286 Continue reading →]]>

Yes, finally after years of hoping, praying and wishing I finally have the house to myself. Not for long though, my parents will be back in two weeks but I ain’t crying, two weeks is enough for me.

You might think my parents must be crazy to leave a child as insane as me home alone, but it is through no fault of their own. They did try to hire a babysitter.

It didn’t work out so well and they thought I’m better of alone.

They say that human mind is best satisfied when it does something it is not allowed to do and so I did. I have always wanted to cook, put together all the tasty stuff and whip up an extremely delicate yet tasty dish. And since this was my first time in the kitchen I decided to work on something less intricate. I decided I’d make a simple smoothie. So I put in all my favorite food items and mixed and whipped to make the greatest smoothie ever known to man.
The smoothie turned out to be a flop. Lesson learnt: No matter how good meat tastes, do not put it in a smoothie.

Oh! well that was a sad ending to what could have otherwise been MasterChef – esque glory.
Later it so happened I left the hot water tap running in the bathroom and had forgotten all about it. Usually Mother would have noticed and turned it off but today it just kept running till the house was shrouded in a misty gloss. The neighbor seeing this thought the house was on fire and immediately dialed 911. A fire truck appeared around the corner within half an hour. By which I had realized the running water and turned off the tap. So no more smoke = neighbor in trouble.
My neighbor was in shock when she was booked with a hefty fine for causing alarm and wasting valuable emergency resources.

She was later at my door demanding an apology for what was seriously not my mistake to which my reply was, ” What begins with an F ends with a K and costs your neighbor? That’s right, A Firetruck.”
“Your going to have to pay for this you little twat, this is the last of your silly tricks.” She said as she stormed off.

I didn’t take her words seriously till later when….. (To be continued)

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The Municipality officials whispered, screamed, played a little with their wands and made loud howling noises as they tried to come to a decision.Finally, after what seemed like three minutes and forty two seconds the Municipality came to a conclusion. The Municipal commissioner loudly announced, “The Municipality has unanimously come to the verdict that, the accused Harry Potter and his friends are guilty. You are hereby sentenced to cleaning Colony 312 for the next week and will be held in contempt if you don’t comply.”

Harry’s world was ripped apart as the sentence was announced, he couldn’t believe what he had heard. This meant he had to don an orange vest and clean his own neighborhood for one whole week, and to think he had laughed at Charlie Sheen because he had looked funny in it.

Goodbye Social life, he thought to himself.
Dumbledore beamed as he stood next to Harry. He looked content with the sentence.

“Are you clear? Have you understood all of your duties?” Harry heard one of the Municipality guys say as he came back to himself.
“Why am I being treated like this? One would think I’m a prisoner of war for the kind of sentence you’re giving me!!” mumbled Harry, his voice deep with strife.

“You have been a constant nuisance in this district. You know bursting firecrackers out of Hogwarts is a sin. Add to that your dumb friend Ron also managed to slip a fire cracker into the house of a war hero. Prisoner of war you say?”  the Municipal commissioner said and chuckled at the irony.

“I have done good things for this district too. Like the time I got featured in the newspaper. I gave a full length interview about how this place helped me attain the feat.”

“You were in the news for driving your car into a ditch. You blamed the neighborhood people for not teaching you how to drive.”

“What about the time I won accolades at the Science fair? I named it after our neighborhood and even won a prize for it.”

“You built a miniature junkyard and named it after our neighborhood. It wasn’t the kind of attention we were looking for.”

“Oh! I get what you’re doing. This is a conspiracy, I HAVE BEEN FRAMED. I will not be a slave to your whims, Voldermort is behind this, isn’t he? You all are involved, I just know it.”

Dumbledore immediately grabbed Harry in an attempt to prevent him from advancing towards the Municipality officials. Harry frantically kicked and punched but could not break free from Dumbledore’s stranglehold and eventually calmed down as he accepted his grim fate. He didn’t like it, but he had no other choice.

* Inspired from true life incidents. Do not try at home.

Cast

Sami as Harry Potter
Fat neighborhood kid as Ron
Girly dude as Hermoine
Nosy neighbor as Dumbledore
Colony officials as the Municipality

The End

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My current classroom is divided into two groups, the humans and the ogre’s.

Yes, Ogre’s. They have huge body frame’s complimented with a tiny little brain and they’re vocabulary is only limited to grunts and hoofing sounds. These creatures are the dwellers of the back bench in our class where a sense of  foreboding prevails along with an unbearable stench of fowl. The back of our class has often been compared with a slaughter house and rightfully so.

These animals, scary as they might be are a bit like helpless kitties when the lecturers are on their case so they prefer to give most of the classes a skip. But problem arises when they need to provide a leave note to makeup for the attendance so they can write exams. This is where I come in.

I have a bit of a reputation for writing creative letters and as some put it, “making it more mature”. So I had been approached by these monsters to write leave notes for them in exchange for muscle. This proposal of theirs was quite appealing. I mean who doesn’t like a green monster’s for backup? Besides the letters allowed a lot of room for creativity as the teachers rarely ever read those letters and the Ogre’s couldn’t read it even if they wanted to. Hence I agreed. For sometime this made for a great partnership between me and the Ogre’s.

I wrote letter’s for them such as,

Dear Ma’am
I was absent due to a deadly virus. You know, one of those life threatening kinds? Therefore I insist you do not insist on seeing a prescription of any kind as there are some pretty strong drugs mentioned in it and I’ve seen the spark in your eyes when those drugs were mentioned during one of your classes.
Sincerely yours
Big Ogre

Then there were some that could have have been… well, believable.

Dear Mizz
I can haz cheezburger and doctor youtube myspace. In short, diarrhea.
Yours.. BLOOP

This was all going well till one day one of the teacher’s actually read the letter. It has been three days since it got caught and I haven’t dared come out from under my bed since.
All I know is, the Ogre’s are coming for me.

NOTE: This note only came back with the teacher’s signature but her words have also been poorly reproduced for dramatic emphasis.

* This story is based on true life incidents. Do not try to copy at home or at school, you never know when the table’s will turn on you.

As the title suggests, this post will be about environment friendly blogging and all that is green but unlike all other websites, I won’t be boring you with facts and info you already know. After all who doesn’t know that the level of carbon dioxide has been increased by 40% since the industrial revolution and that it could result in overheating of the earth’s surface leading to the untimely demise of our race as we know it. There is absolutely no need for me to recycle all that again.

Now I certainly don’t want to scare you with all the usual, ‘Doom is here’ stuff but where is the fun in that . So: TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS OR WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE.

I’ve never made a conscious attempt at trying to contribute to green campaigns till recently when I was blowing a balloon when halfway through I accidentally inhaled the air from the balloon.

Effects of global warming

And so it lead me to research(read Google) the ways I could help bereft this world of the dangerous gasses and other apocalyptic elements.

Now there were quite a few things that came up on how I could be conservative in the usage of energy resources but the easiest one I came across was, conservative Blogging. Who knew blogging also results in lots of energy wastage? According to various internet sources, a simple Google search requires enough energy to boil a cup of water. Imagine the energy it would require to research a feature length(as in movies) topic and then type it, post it and then promote it. Quite a lot I’d say but the doesn’t mean you don’t have to do it. There are various other ways you can limit energy consumption by your blog.

Background colors
According to Blackle, a site with a black background consumes only half the energy consumed by a site with white background.

Images
Optimize your images for website usage(this can be done using Photoshop). This will help your images load faster hence leading to lesser wastage of precious energy. And better yet a faster loading website is only going to do you good with regards to your traffic and user satisfaction.

Content
According to some analysts, good content prevents users from surfing onto other websites looking for better content, which in turn saves energy.

Remove unnecessary plug ins and widgets
We’ve all had these placed on our blogs for various reasons. I for one used to have a lot of these for aesthetic value. But do most of these really serve any purpose at all?

Printable Content
If your blog provides information and stuff that people would be wanting to print, use a color scheme that’s best for printing.

Get selfish
Get green not for the world but for yourself. Do you know the amount of traffic you could draw to your blog by going green? It’s incredible.

Join in on the fun, Go Green.

Henceforth The Embarrassment will be an eco friendly website. The Embarrassment will be sporting a black attire on all National holidays. The Embarrassment will also celebrate the earth week from now.

See you next week folks, on a parting note, TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS OR WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE.

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Green for life.

                             The modern day idiocy started from here

Seen one of these before?

I am sure you have. You can’t deny you haven’t seen this menacing poster grace your Facebook feed or the lines used as a status message on a friend’s profile(or even worse, your profile). I have decided to help rid this world of the evil that is fatuousness and hence I begin with the simple message of: Don’t spread fallacious stuff as in the picture above. It sends a wrong message.

These pictures first started to appear on the profile’s of teenage girls who needed a reason to be depressed(Don’t ask me why. I guess depression gives them a high). This soon took the course of everything that appears on social media and spread like a virus you could do without. Slowly it took over everything. Now an understanding that seems prevalent among this generation is:

As if human emotions weren’t difficult to understand, now we are supposed to assume a smile is a hint of sadness and acceptance a sign of disgust?

The miracles of mainstream media. Now we’re going to have an emotionally unstable generation of people hinting at all the wrong emotions.

That’s about it. I have finally forayed into changing the world one blog post at a time. Looking back at the post it looks like an absolutely long rant, but it is one that needed to be made.

So long folks!
Stop spamming good folk with nasty pictures of wrongly configured emotions.

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A lot of people come up to me and say.

Yo Sami, you are so bland happy.

And I say,

So?

And they say,

How can you be so happy all the time? Surely some drugs are involved.

“DRUGS? I didn’t know drugs worked that way. My happiness is all down to the clandestine life I live.” I say in the most charming manner as possible.

And then I encounter the usual out pour of questions seeking help on how to deal with the the ups and downs of life without hurting the balance of the smile on their faces.

An inquiry of this kind is enough to set off the most absurd absorbing, preposterous inspiring and long speech by me which usually ends with me bowing out to an audience of dead space and the echo of my own voice. I wonder why that happens.

But then again I believe I have been very evasive with my long speeches and the like when asked the reason for my happiness. I have been very selfish with this secret and I believe it is now time for me to share it with everyone, what with all the miss happenings in this world of ours today.

So before you embark on this crazy journey to happiness there are a few things you must know:
Scientifically, Happiness can be represented by a formula.
Happiness = Pleasure + Engagement + Relationships + Meaning + Accomplishments.
If you fully rely on this formula to attain happiness, you’ll never get it.

Contrary to popular belief, happiness has nothing to do with limited brain capacity and hence you should immediately stop your dim witted antics(if any).

A couple of things you’ll need to achieve this state of happiness:
A vivid imagination. You should be able to follow through a hypothetical situation as if it is real. I suggest you replay some of those American Idol trials you have been doing in your head(Don’t tell me you haven’t done it) just to see if you’ve still got it.
A good memory.

If you have the above or have managed to buy it somehow, you are ready to go.

Step 1
This is a very simple step albeit very important. I want you to sit in some place relaxing. Once you’re there I want you to focus on pleasant things like blood, a severed head or some horror flick.

Now that you’ve warmed up your cranial nerves we’re going to create a hypothetical situation.

Imagine a big office, plenty of space. Plush furniture and smell like lavender. The door to the office has your name in big bold letters. Yes your name although it is misspelled. You are the manager of a major company.
A large desk sits in the middle of the room and a twirly chair behind it twirls around to reveal a slightly over weight you(Over weight due to the obviously high salary). Your phone rings and your secretary tells you that a job applicant is on the way. It is his interview today.
The applicant enters your office and after exchanging greetings you get down to business. The Interview is pretty routine, you ask questions and he answers them. No fireworks just plain ol’ interview.
A few seconds later you are gently awaken by the candidate.

Oh-oh! You just slept through his ‘What makes you different?’ answer. The candidate looks less than amused. Not the best scenario to be in.  You are still slightly dazed from your mid interview power nap when the phone rings. You answer the phone, still half asleep but with the wrong company name. You quickly realize your mistake but its too late to do anything now. You quietly wish that the person on the other end hasn’t caught this mistake.
There’s a brief silence over the phone. When the caller finally speaks it sends a chill through your bone. It is your boss.

Step 2
If you’ve made it this far, your just a hair’s breadth away from saying goodbye to the sad old you.
This step is very easy, all you have to do is memorize the above scene. Memorize this as if it really happened in your life. It should go in your memory as any other incident of your life.

Step 3
Let nature take its course. If your memory serves you well, one day in the near future you will remember this embarrassing incident. And as all embarrassing incidents it will bring a smile to your face.

Embarrassing situations are not pleasant to live through but are decent memories to hold onto. And as any decent Doctor would say, An embarrassment a day keeps depression away.

If you rack up enough memories of situations like the above, you will soon have enough memories to keep you happy for a lifetime.

Like the people in this video, I am sure they don’t regret it now as much as they did before.

Some of you may not be convinced of this method, but for all its worth it ruins your life works.
As for the scientifically astute, this satisfies your silly equation as well. You get Pleasure while your engaged in your memory. It helps improve your relationship with the people involved, gives a meaning to your sad existence and serves you with the accomplishment of being happy.

Ah! Happy days.

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