It is that time of the year again when clubs sordidly analyse, re analyse and prepare to circumvent the failures of the season past. New managers are hired, new tactics formulated and new plans are put into motion while also trying to monopolize the best possible bargains for the club in the transfer market. Somewhere in this commotion lie a set of players that the club sees as excess baggage and are abjectly tossed out in the dumpsters. Now, there are plenty of reasons a player’s contract might not be renewed at a particular club but that doesn’t mean they are not capable of better performances elsewhere.

This season has seen so many talented players being ejected we could form a mid table premiership team out of them if we had the means. Now assuming we had the means to form a team, this would be the FreshFootball XI

Defense

GK: Craig Gordon
It came as a surprise when it was announced that Sunderland wouldn’t be renewing Gordon’s contract this summer. Gordon was the most expensive goal keeper signing made by a British club till David De Gea for Manchester United last season. Gordon is known for his lightning quick reflexes and his willingness to put himself on the line to protect his goal. It is unfortunate that his stint at Sunderland was hampered by injuries else he would probably still be the number 1. Arsenal have been rumored to be interested but nothing concrete has come out from either camps. Whichever club goes in for him will have made one decent signing. The Scott has plenty of Premier League experience under his belt and would not mind sitting on the bench for younger players.
Other noteworthy mentions: Brad Guzan, the American is said to be in the search for first team football and should be a decent proposition for most teams.

RB: José Bosingwa
He has spent a long time playing second fiddle in the Chelsea squad but I think he’s done decent enough when called upon. Besides, his championship medals will be enough to convince any manager of his worth and he should have no difficulty slotting into any team.
Other noteworthy mentions: Gavin Hoyte, not very experienced at the highest level but the talent is there, else Arsenal wouldn’t have put up with him for so long.

CB 1: Ledley King
Immensely talented Ledley King would probably never be on this list if it weren’t for his weak knees. One of the most gifted defenders on his day has had to endure a rough career plagued by chronic knee problems. There will be no doubts about his skill in the minds of the managers considering him but it will be somewhat a gamble given his fitness concerns.

CB 2: Jonathan Woodgate
Another immensely talented defender whose career has been plagued by injury issues. The Englishman would be a decent signing for lower teams if he can stay fit for the duration of an entire season.
Other noteworthy mentions: Carlos Cuellar and Mark Connolly

LB: Paulo Ferreira
Paulo Ferreira once worth €20 million to Chelsea is a shadow of the player he once was although he might make a decent enough signing for lowly premier league clubs. Known for his versatility, he can play as right back, left back and even in midfield which is an asset given squad restrictions in today’s game.

Midfield 

MF 1: Owen Hargreaves
Hard working, solid, selfless. These are words often used to describe Owen Hargreaves and his footballing prowess. A combative midfield player, he would make a solid addition to any squad. But given his injury frequency and fre

Pen And Paper For Me, Please

Shit. Shit. Shit. I will kill you. Shit

These are just some of the thoughts that cross your mind when your hard disk crashes and leaves you a miserable heap of error messages to comfort your soul. You could perhaps calm yourself down if all you lost through this malfunction of evil machinery was illegally downloaded songs and movies but it is really hard to resist punching someone in the brain when you lose a years worth of work through no fault of your own.

You have probably already derived the reason for my outburst and if you haven’t lord have mercy on you. Yes, my hard disk crashed. I have probably abused it in every manner possible since it happened and yet it won’t give me a sad, solemn apology. Oh! the devious creations of man.

It was in the wee hours of Tuesday morning when the said hard disk gave in. I tried my best to revive it but it eventually went the way of all unreliable gadgets. I shrugged my  shoulders and just as I was about to set off to buy a new one, the gravity of the situation hit me. The first(and the only) draft of my first novel(which was going to be a super bestseller, by the way) was saved in the, now dead hard disk. Three hundred pages and over 500 hours of honest, hard work was now victim to the unscrupulous machine that decided it apt to punish me for my overly zealous dependence on it. What a way to pay me for my trust. If this was a marriage, divorce papers would be in order right now.

I’ve never been a big fan of writing on the computer and having to hit save every time a thought crosses your mind. I’ve always been a fan of conventional writing habits. You know, with a pen and paper. That way if you’re writing is a bit bland you can always draw doodles to lighten it up. In fact, I remember having trouble blogging during the early days as I would never be able to come up with anything decent while at the keyboard. So I’d have to write it down on a piece of paper and then type the whole thing all over on the computer. A bit time consuming, but I liked it.

Eventually I gave in to technology, what with it doing auto spell checks and grammar checks. But alas! it wasn’t worth it. I will probably be receiving notices from lawyers in the near future for some of the hateful messages I sent out to the creators and manufacturers of these evil devices. I must point out that I do regret sending those mails, In hindsight I should have probably written a letter(you know those old types, written on a parchment) to emphasize my hate and the disappointment their dastardly creation has implanted in me.

I better get back to my writing desk, I’ve lost a lot of my articles that were supposed to be published this month for various publications. Am I going to go back to writing on my computer? Hell no! Give me a pen and paper any day!

 

How To Make A Hollywood Blockbuster

I had the misfortune of watching another Hollywood movie last night after a week full of misery in which I had to combat other egregious Hollywood movies. I swore never to watch one again. I swore, cursed, kicked ass and even called names and yet I found myself slowly being seeped back into the cinema hall like a relapsing drug addict. There is something remarkably sanguine about these money loaded abominations, but I think I’ve cracked the code. And now I present to you, how to make a Hollywood blockbuster:

Ignore the script
Ignore the script, but it is important that you have one. Now some of you might consider it moot to have a script and not use it but there is a reason you need one; It helps to pacify the critics, all they need to see is credit given to a script writer in the rolling credits and voila! you’ve scored a good rating for your movie. Another reason for having a script prepared is, it adds to your expenses. This way you can easily attain the title of a big budget movie. And don’t use the script as anything but toilet paper. You might as well switch to making commercials if you’re going to follow a script. This is Hollywood, there is a code of ethics to be followed.

Hire a teenage star to play the lead
You don’t need a good actor to make a Hollywood blockbuster. Heck, you don’t even need an actor to make a bestseller. Just get one of those famous teenagers to play the lead. Someone like Justin Bieber or one of those Twilight kids should ensure easy money.

Include lots of graphics
Yes, and by lots I mean almost every scene. Even if it is a scene involving a character walking on the road, you should show it in slow motion with lots of 360 degree motion.

Make one good scene
Let it be atleast 5 minutes long. This way you can include it in an action packed trailer. People love a good trailer.

Make a good poster
One can never go wrong with a good poster. Some movies almost exclusively depend on their posters to sell the movie.

There you have it folks, 5 easy ways to make a Hollywood blockbuster. Scratch that, you can make one by just following one of these. Just make sure you credit me in the end when you get an MTV award

 

Rejecting A Rejection Letter

Recently I came across an ad on the internet which was offering writers a permanent creative writing column in one of the best newspapers in India. Tempted as I was to say no, I applied although I didn’t meet the criteria required for selection. There’s always the off chance that omniscient buffoons like myself could get selected. The job requirements clear stated the following:

• A minimum of 5 years experience as a professional writer.
• Knowledge of media production, communication, and dissemination techniques and methods.
• Working knowledge of computers and electronics.

Ignoring the part about job requirements, I sent in an application. Needless to say, I didn’t get selected. This is what they had to say,

Dear Mr Sami

Thank you for applying for the position of Creative Writer with us.

While we were impressed with your background and experience, we have concluded that another candidate’s qualifications more closely match our requirements. We sincerely regret that we cannot offer you employment with our organization at this time.

You have our best wishes for success in locating the career opportunity you deserve.  We will retain your resume in our files to review for future openings for up to six months.  In the event of an appropriate available position, we will not hesitate to contact you.

We appreciate your interest and the time you have invested for our paper.

truly yours,
Editor.

After reading the letter over and over again I came to the conclusion that it was complete bollix. I don’t have much experience to speak of so I am a bit perplexed as to how he was impressed by it. Actually, I was more annoyed. Not only did they have the nerve to not give me the job they also rejected me with an automated message. I bet they burnt my application and had a good laugh while doing so. But I’m not the one to back down so easily, I sent in another letter.

Dear Mr. Editor 

Thank you for your letter. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a post as a creative writer.

I’m sure some misfortune has prevented you from getting access to my application, else I see no reason you’d want to turn away such a gifted writer. If you did in fact read my application and rejected me, I must point out that I have 800 Facebook friends, 700 of them don’t read a newspaper. You hire me, you sell 700 extra copies. That is a lot of money. I’m sure you’ll want to reconsider who you hire after this letter.
Sincerely yours,
Sami

Well after that I thought I’d heard the last from the editor but he was gracious enough to reply.

Dear Mr. Sami

It is against Company policies to respond to mail such as yours but since you made no death threats I’m going to make an exception.

We did receive your application, unfortunately it did not make through the preliminary rounds of selection. I think it was because you wanted to call your column Talk to the hand. Given our reputation some of the editors on board felt it would be inappropriate. Though, I wish you success, if ‘Talk to the hand’ ever see’s the light of day I’d be interested to read it. 

As for  the issue about your Facebook friends, I can assure you we did a full profile check of the gentleman that we did hire. He has 2500 friends and he swears all of them will buy a copy if he were to be published. Tough luck kid.

Truly yours,
Editor.

 I must say his rejection of my rejection of his rejection letter seems a bit rude. But that’s life I guess.

 

*Name of the newspaper withheld to prevent them from suing my already broke ass.

Writer’s Unblocked

Greetings readers!

My friend Riatarded from.. uhm, Riatarded has been collecting a compendium of sorts on methods of overcoming ones “creative funk” and since no compendium is ever complete without TheEmbarrassment, here’s my contribution.

A scientific study claims that almost 70,000 thoughts cross through the mind of an average individual everyday. Overcoming writer’s block is clinging onto one of these thoughts and putting it into words. If you can’t, it is about time you think of another hobby to pursue. As Steve Martin puts it,

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol. Sure, a writer can get stuck for a while, but when that happens to a real author — say, a Socrates or a Rodman — he goes out and gets an “as told to.”

I know, that was rather harsh but the amount of professional writers that have gone into drugs and alcohol as a means to overcome this “block” is disturbing. If you’re having trouble coming up with something to write, it is usually because you have exhausted your creativity by writing too much, in which case you need to take a break. There’s a reason jobs offer paid vacations and as with every profession even a writer needs a break.

Writer’s block is the greatest side effect of boredom – Jason Zebehazy

Another cause of this block is boredom. Sitting and typing on a keyboard all day can be quite tedious at times. What you really need is a bit of spark to keep you going. I have been known to annoy lots of people, especially people of higher authority. It gives me a rush. Sometimes these people can get quite creative while abusing you in turn and that only adds more words to my page. A quick glance at the other posts on TheEmbarrassment will tell you how many posts you can come up with this technique. Obviously there are other less dangerous ways of doing it(I’ve been chased around with a bat for annoying some) but this is a tried and tested method and one that I highly recommend.

There is also the case of people not writing for want of perfection and for that I leave you with this quote by Margaret Atwood,

If I waited for perfection, I would never write a word.

So if you’re in a bit of a funk, you know what to do now.

Unblocking-ly yours

 

 

Blogging Dangers

The great blessing of mankind are within us and within our reach; but we shut our eyes, and like people in the dark, we fall foul upon the very thing we search for, without finding it.

Greetings readers!

The above quote has absolutely nothing to do with today’s post, so if you were trying decipher its true meaning you may stop now but if you’ve already stumbled upon it, good for you. I’ve finally been relieved off of my exam woes and am feeling a bit nostalgic. I have half a mind to prank call all the minor league celebrities in my area but the other half says I am better off screaming obscenities from the rooftops. It might seem a bit queer that my mind is in such shambles. A stable person wouldn’t have thought of the latter, a normal person would be shuffling through the yellow pages right now. But I am far from normal right now and I think the recently concluded exams will take the blame for that. I am still coming to terms that it is all over. I’m a free bird now.

Another reason I haven’t done anything crazy is because of this. I am a storyteller, anything I do should be told, romanticized and boasted about. My primary medium for that is this blog and if the system is going to institutionalize bloggers for obnoxious posts I wouldn’t be able to avoid the straitjacket for long. There is also the fear of prison. With the number of innocent people being jailed to make up for the incompetence of a politically motivated justice system, I could be made an easy target. I can almost imagine the headlines:
18 year old bombs an anthill in frustration after exams
An 18 year old blogger from India has been imprisoned after the recent destruction of a monumental anthill, 5 miles south of nowhere. After initial failure of the local police to find substantial evidence they have now succeeded in pinpointing the said suspect after a google search that yielded the perpetrators blog. The blog in question was termed to be a harem of sadist thoughts and has since been blocked by the local internet providers. More on this…

The world is a dangerous place, even for a blogger. Be mindful of what you post, it may come back to haunt you. That being said TheEmbarrassment will continue as it was and you shouldn’t worry about it.

Till next week.

* Dear readers,
A recently concluded study has found out that all hip blogs make more than one post per week and TheEmbarrassment being the hipster that it is will be a more regular feature throughout the week starting next Monday.

From Bad To Worse

Greetings readers!

A new week is upon us and along with it more worries, little happiness and an ugly mood. I continue to wage a war against my books in order to have them all memorized in time before the next exam. I have lost track of time and funnily enough I can’t seem to keep track of it despite numerous attempts. My watch is dead, I have a newspaper on my table from Sunday even though I’m fairly certain it is a Monday today but my computer says Tuesday and Mother won’t answer such inane questions.

To make matters worse, I’m fairly certain I haven’t performed as well as I’d hoped and I blame the republicans for it. Why? I don’t know, but everyone seems to be having a good time doing it.

In other news, I tried to evince my frustration about the exams by bringing down a wall by kicking it(kind of like The Hulk) needless to say I have a broken foot. A bit of internet research on the subject tells me it’ll heal on its own but I have my doubts given the awkward angle at which it has bent but I think I will go with the internet on this one, the hospital is 2 miles away and the only way I can get there is by walking. So I think I’ll take my chances.

Reading back on this, it really does seem like I am, what the media would call, a “whiny bitch”. The exams can do it to the best of us. Especially bad ones. But they always come to an end and that’s the only positive about it.

Be back next week, got lots of new features planned for TheEmbarrassment and will be announcing them next week.
In the meanwhile, TheEmbarrassment has also forayed into twatter. Make sure you give a follow for bite sized posts.
Follow me @SamiRockfeller

 

The Anarchy of Question Paper Leaks

Originally I had intended to be back amidst a lot of fanfare and fireworks and yet I sit in front of my laptop with slouched shoulders and the weight of the world pressing on them. I am a man of my word, March end I said and here I am.

I was supposed to be rid of my troubles, having put to rest all my exams but thanks to the Karnataka Board’s frugal efforts at protecting the paper I now have to have a go at it again. Rescheduled timetable and renewed schedules of tension. When all this accumulates in your head you tend to age a bit faster and I think I’ve been going faster than the accepted rate.

One of the most obvious signs that you notice when you’re ageing too fast is when you turn on the news the first thing in the morning to give you a jolt for the day ahead. It has been quite a few jolts that I have received in the past month. On one occasion I almost had a heart attack after being told that even the English paper had been leaked.

Usually there is always an upside to things that happen, a silver lining or just plain luck if you must. But none in this case. The constant rescheduling has taken the sheen of what is supposed to be the most important exam of our lives.

To make matters worse, the papers that were leaked actually were quite easy. On a scale of 1 -10, those papers would hardly make a proper 1.5, easy paper gone, blog comeback ruined. Life gone to the dogs.

Rant Over.

 

PS: The Embarrassment will be back on its normal schedule from Monday onwards, regardless of further paper leaks.

PPS: Screw the Karnataka PU Board

 

Sabbatical

Ola Amigos,
I, your friend behind the mask of The Embarrassment is back. I know I haven’t been very regular with my posts recently neither have I been visiting any of you all on your domains and for that I sincerely apologize. I’ve had quite a few set backs off recently and have been unable to live up to my duties to my subscribers.
And just today I received news about something that pulverized any hopes I had of making a quick return, that being and in the words of the Stark’s, “The Finals are approaching.”

So off I go to prepare for my finals. I should be back by the end of March, in case I am not you are free to mourn my death.

So long friends’
Life beckons.

Expression-less

Recently while I was at the plastic surgeon’s contemplating on getting a new face for the new year I came across this catalog of faces to choose from. This catalog was marked ‘New Year special discounts’ and after taking a quick glance into my pocket I decided whatever changes I needed to my appearance had to come from this. And so I flicked through a few of the pages and this is what I came across:

                   The “what the hell did you just say to me?” look

Apt for the businessman in all of us. The looks says it all, “I will not take crap from you.” It also exudes a feel of unfamiliarity which can prevent others from taking you too lightly.

As good as the description made it look, I decided against it. Besides I’m never gonna make it as a shrewd moneymaking machine anyway.

The "I'm so sober" look

This look is for people who are constantly embroiled in situations because they look too drunk(or in most cases actually drunk). Just one hour under the surgeon’s knife and you can forget all your troubles forever. This look can apparently also improve your eye sight, though I’m not sure how.

                                                       The Glee look

Recap all your favorite moments from you favorite show with this look which gives  you a vast array of emotions to chose from when your dance club is going to the dogs.

The "I could use a dollar now" look

This is one of those looks you must get if you plan on making any money on your night out on a new year’s eve. Not so photogenic though so it might not be the best option if you are Facebook warrior.

The Look

If you are going through this catalog right now, you probably don’t have enough money to afford a better look than this. So don’t think, just go for it.

***

The catalog made for an interesting reading, but I figured I looked pretty as it is. So what if it is a new year, perhaps I could ring it in with a new attitude rather than a new look.

Happy New Year folks!

Join in the weekly fun, Subscribe.